Are They On Crack? : The Fullmetal Alchemist File
by Clap-For-Carolyn
Summary: HYPER! A crazy Girl Scout calling her self 'The Stoned Freak' creats chaos with with the FMA cast by introduceing crack in to their food and drink XD CHAPTER THREE...The last one folks! TTTT Don't worry, I have plans....
1. Tuna noodle casserole surprise of DOOM

**Are they on Crack: The Fullmetal Alchemist File.**

A/N: This is PURE insanity! Some one spikes the food at central and all hell breaks lose! Just what was in that tuna noodle casserole surprise anyway? Also coming soon: Are they on Crack: The Cyborg 009 –and- D. N. Angel files!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I'd make Ed get a girlfriend. And it would be ether Winry, Panda, or Clap.

Rated T for: Swearing, Crack, Insane Girl Scouts, and a HOT DOG! Okay, okay, the hot dog has nothing to do with the rating… 0.0 you have been warned.

Oc's…

Pandora 'Panda' R. Miriech, AKA the Green Alchemist- Cool, calm, level headed, until she ate today's lunch…

Caroline 'Clap' R. Miriech, AKA the Trance Alchemist- She's completely insane as it is…

The Stoned Freak- one of the random members of my Girl Scout troop, who are as convinced as I am that there was some thing in the food that we ate at the Rec. room during Jam Camp… Because we came back and told my Mom/Leader that her girls where on crack. And we acted like we where on it too. The inspiration behind the story!

Chapter One: Tuna noodle casserole surprise of DOOM.

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Central cafeteria…

A black figure drops from the ceiling in the kitchen and makes it way to the next day's lunch. She pulls a bag filled with mysterious white powder from her pocket and dumps the contents in the vat of tuna. Then she took another packet and poured it the coffee maker.

"MUHAHAHAHAHA!" she cackled. "Now you'll ALL feel the power of the STONED FREAK!" and with that she leapt out the window and went running down the street, screaming like a mad woman.

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Central, the next day…

"Oh dear god, not this _again_!" Havoc had looked at the lunch menu for today. Baaaad idea. For it was, for the THIRD time that week, they where serving TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE SURPRISE for lunch! Fury looked over Havoc's shoulder.

"I think the lunch ladies want to kill us…"

"Then you'll just have to live on coffee, like me." Mustang walked in the office with an ENTIRE pot of coffee in each hand. "I hatetuna. I hate casserole. And I hate surprises."

"COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" A blue and white blur came screaming in to the office and grabbed one of the coffeepots, and chugged it in one gulp. "Got any more?"

"GAAAAA! That coffee supposed to last the ENTIRE day! TRANCE!"

"Today it's Clap and WHY does the yummy coffee have to last the whole day?" Clap (who will change daily what she wants you to refer to her as) tilted her head and looked at Mustang with her distracting green orbs.

"It's tuna noodle casserole surprise for lunch- HEY!" as Mustang was explaining the dire situation Clap had grabbed the other coffee pot and downed its contents. "Now I'll have to go make some more…"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Clap let out a high-pitched squeal that literally broke the windows AND the sound barrier as the effects of the spiked coffee started to emerge.

"What the heck is that noise?" Hawkeye walked in with a HUGE stack of paperwork to be filled out. "And what is with all the coffee?" She said as Mustang reentered the room, this time with FOUR pots of coffee!

"We decided that to avoid eating the lunch, that we have to instead drink coffee the entire day. Soo any new news?"

"Edward is coming back from Risimboul today with Lt. Pandora." A small smirk broke out on Mustangs face. Oh, how he loved to torture that boy. It was just so hilarious to see Fullmetal getting worked up over being called short.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Clap had taken up her screeching again and ran out the door.

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The rest of the morning passed calmly enough, punctuated only by Clap's 'EEEEEEE!' ing and numerous coffee breaks. That is, until Ed and Panda got there…

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Ed and Panda got off the train at central and where nearly run over by a RAMPAGING GIRL SCOUT! And trailing behind that rampaging girl scout was ANOTHER , slightly calmer, member from my troop! She stopped when she saw Ed and said:

"HEY! Iknowyou! YourthatEdguythatCarolynobsessesaboutdayandnightandwon'tstopdrawingandsaysshe'sgoingtobeforHaloweenandnowTajiathinksyourawesomeandsawafoottallactionfigureinthemallsbookstore! HiI'mMollie! GottogoandstopthatcrazyrandompersonfromArgyleGirlScouttroop378! Bye!"

(Witch, if you couldn't understand it, is: 'HEY! I know you!

Your that Ed guy that Carolyn obsesses about day and night and won't stop drawing and says she's going to be for Halloween and now Tajia thinks your awesome and saw a foot tall action figure in the malls book store! Hi I'm Mollie! Got to go and stop that crazy random person from Argyle Girl Scout troop 378! Bye!')

"What the hell was that all about?" Ed said as he watched the two scouts run down the street.

Pandora shrugged. "I don't know. But we had better go report to Co. Mustang."

"I hate that damn bastard…" Ed continued to mutter obscenities as the pair made their way to Mustangs office, where the crack had begun to take it's toll…

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"Oh. My. God." Hawkeye had left the room for fifteen minutes to go and get more paper work and came back to total chaos. Ross was hiding behind the curtains, because of the skimpy uniform the Co. had forced her in too. Mustang was in front of a pile of super short blue skirts and sleeve less tops, going thru an employee book and checking off all the female officers names. Fury and Havoc where singing like drunken men. Hughes was taping photos of his daughter on the walls. And Clap was back, chugging more coffee.

"Help!"

"Oh the hiiiiiiillllllllls are aliiiiiiiiiivvvvvvve with the sound of muuuuusssssic!"

"Yep…got her…and her…"

"LOOK AT MY DARRLING ALICA!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"What is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE CRAZED LUNITICS!" Hawkeye shouted at the crack-induced maniacs.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Say, Riza, wouldn't you like to try this new uniform on?"

"…"

"Noses on kitten…la la lala lala la la these are a few of my favorite things!"

"WEEE! OH ISN'T SHE JUST ADORABLE?"

"Lt. Major Hawkeye sir, could you PLEASE get me a uniform that fits?"

And just then, ED AND PANDA ARIVED! They starred in shock at the scene unfolding in front of them. Every one was still doing what is mentioned above, and now Breda was in the fetal position the far corner, hallucinating that a whole zoo had come to kill him.

"What the hell is going on here!"

"Caroline…has coffee…"

"I don't know what happened to them! They where fine just a little while a ago and now their completely loopy!" Hawkeye shrugged and went to grab a spare uniform for poor Ross.

"CAROLINE RIPTIDE MIRIECH! WHY are you drinking COFFEE!" Panda bellowed at her younger (By four minutes) sister.

"Because the evil lunch ladies of DOOM where going to feed us Tuna noodle casserole surprise FOREVER!"

"Hey, I LIKE tuna…and I'm hungry…" Panda walked out of the office, leaving poor Ed behind with HUGHES!

"ISN"T SHE JUST THE CUTEST? YESTERDAY SHE COUNTED TO TEN AND BRUSHED HER TEETH AND-" Hughes continued on and on shoving photo after photo in Ed's face.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Hey Been Boy! Get Lt. Miriech back here so she can have her new uniform!" Mustang called out across the room to Ed. Uh-oh.

" 'Been Boy?' I'LL SHOW YOU 'BEEN BOY' YOU WHO CAN'T SEE ME BECAUSE I'M SOO SMALL I CAN GET EATEN BY BUGS!" And Ed then proceeded to beat the living tar otta Mustang. Unkown to anyone, the STONED FREEK was watching the entire office, hanging upside down from the roof.

"There he is! My new side kick! BEEN BOY! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- ! –AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she screamed as she fell from the roof to the ground bellow.

"I'm OKAY! Owwwww! Maybe not…"

To be continued…… 0.0

PLEASE R&R! Reviewers get to POKE EDO-KUNS BRAID in the next chapter:) I need your inspiration!

(If that doesn't make you happy, nothing will!)


	2. The Adventures of The Stoned Freak

**Are they on Crack: The Fullmetal Alchemist File**

Chapter two,

The Adventures of The Stoned Freak and Been Boy!

Disclaimer: If I owned it, this would be realty.

In this chapter- Panda eats lunch, Roy won't leave Riza the hell alone, and the Stoned Freak forces Ed to drink MILK! If that's not bad enough, there's crack in that milk and a super hero is born! Clap begins the HOT DOG cult with the rest of the office! Oh, the horror…

A/N: Thank you all for reviewing! You're the best! (Huggles every one) And now it's EDO-KUN BRAID POKEING TIME! And for a guest appearance requested by **Shadow Alchemist! **And now I have a random word to yell. **_BONGO!_** Thank you.

**Paju13: **I'm sorry you feel that way… but I don't want flames!

**Dragon-rose-vine**: (glomps) You're such a good friend!

**Crazyryoko: **I'm glad you think its funny! Don't forget to look for the Cyborg 009 and D.N. Angel versions when I'm done with this one!

**Shadow Alchemist: **Go a head, poke the braid! I'm also glad that you think it's funny. And here comes SHADOW! Yer welcomes:)

**Chibigirls: **Thanks a bunch for the support!

**Kitten of Cuteness: **I wrote this at 1:30 AM after Fullmetal Alchemist last night. Here comes KITTY!

**ooOAnimeChildOoo: **Weeee! Updateing!

**Everyone: **It's okay to be disturbed. 0.0 This will have only THREE chapters until I come up with more ideas. Or ya email me with one.

Please Please Please Please PLEASE don't flame me! Don't like it don't read it!

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"WAAAAAAAAAAAASSHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" a black object formally known as the Stoned freak crashed thru the window on top of Ed.

"I have found you my new side kick!"

"What? I'm not your side kick!"

"You are now!" she knocked Ed out and tied him up, then jumped back out the window as Hawkeye returned with a spare uniform for Ross. Clap began to bawl.

"Waaaaaaa! They took Chibi-chan away!"

"Hold on- who's 'Chibi-chan'?" Hawkeye tried to comfort the poor girl.

"I think she means Edward." Ross said smoothing out the creases in the uniform. "Thank you for the change of clothes."

"Who took Edward?"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaa! Crazy person flew thru the window and took Chibi-chan away! Waaaaaaaaaaaa!" Clap continued to cry.

"What's wrong? HERE LOOK AT MY CUTIE ALCIA! HER ADORABLENESS CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER GARENTEED!" Hughes had noticed Claps distress and tried to help her, Maes-style. She only cried louder.

"CHIBI-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAN! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

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Central Cafeteria…

Panda sat at a table, looking at the Tuna noodle casserole surprise. She was wondering whether or not to chance food poisoning. But she was soo hungry…and she like tuna. Panda took a cautionary bite. 'Hey this isn't that bad. This is really good!' She thought and went back to get more. And more. And MORE! Soon, Panda had eaten ALL the casserole! (Wow, that's a lot of tuna…) Then she felt… HAPPY. But Pandora Rose Miriech doesn't do happy. She a reputation for having cold emotions, and distancing her self from others. Uh-oh…

"I love EVERY ONE!" She yelled out for the entire cafeteria to hear.

"I love you! And you! And you!" She went around, huggleing every one in sight.

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Secret hide out…

Ed woke up to find himself tied to a chair in a dark room. And he felt some one poking him, or his braid to be more exact. Some one walked in and turned on a small light overhead.

"Dragon-rose-vine, crazyryoko, Shadow, Chibigirls, Kitty, ooOAnimeChildOoo,could you PLEASE refrain from doing that while I make him my sidekick?" said a girl dressed in a bikini and blanket cape. Ed looked over his shoulder to see his OLDER SISTER, SHADOW!

"What the hell are you doing here Shadow!"

"What does it look like?" she continued to poke him.

"Now for the ALTERING SERUM!" The Stoned Freak brandished a glass of milk. Ed went pale.

"Is… is that what I think it is?"

"MUHAHAHAHAHAA! Yes it is! But with a SECRET ingredient!" She cackled and proceeded to shove the tainted white liquid in Ed's mouth.

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Central…

Clap in her confused state of mind, began to go thru the closet that she called her 'office'. (She's a complete basket case) She then discovered a slightly moldy, half eaten HOT DOG! Being lunchtime, the sight of the hot dog made Clap hungry. So she took a bite. That's when things got REALLY interesting. Clap begun to hallucinate, and she saw a crazed Panda running thru the hall, hugging every one in sight. Then she knew that she had seen in to the FUTURE!

"Oh my god! I gotta warn every one!" She ran to Roy's office where the intoxicated men where.

"Mustang-saaaaaaan!" She screamed as she burst thru the door.

"A rabid Panda-chan is on the way!"

Roy looked up from his records. "Nonsense! Teen age girls can't be rabid!"

"Well, technically, she can be 'cause she's PART CHIMERA! (**1**)" a terrified Breda called from his fetal position. Roy looked back to Clap.

"But just HOW do you know this Clap?"

"Because the great HOT DOG told me so!" she yelled. Just then a happy-go-lucky Panda burst in!

"WEEEEE! LOOK, IT'S MY FAVORET CO. IN THE WORLD! I LOVE YOU!" She huggled Roy and did the same to Maes, Havoc, Fury, and Breda before she ran out again. The entire office looked at the door and then back to Clap.

"I TOLD you so! Never doubt the great Hot Dog!" Clap held the moldy dog high in to the air. "It can predict the FUTURE!"

"That's amazing! All hale the almighty Hot Dog!" Havoc began to bow to Clap and the hotdog and everyone followed suit.

"I HERE BY PROCLAIM THE HOT DOG SUPMREM RULER! WITH ME AS ITS ADVISOR!" Clap stated.

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"Come on! Ware it! That's an order!" Co. Roy Mustang was chasing Riza around Central with an uber short blue skirt and a matching blue sleeveless top. "You know you want to!"

"WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO WARE IT? Certainly not for your viewing pleasure!" She screamed back at him.

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"**WAAAAAAAAASSHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" **TWO blurs burst thru another window adjacent to the one used by the Stoned Freak earlier. Then another person jumped in after them.

"HELLOO Ladies and Gentlemen! My name is Shadow and I'm here to introduce to you…" A dramatic pause "…THE STONED FREAK AND BEEN BOY!" Shadow yelled to the world. The girl in the blanket cape and bikini was standing next to… is that EDWARD!

And so it was. In a blanket cape as well and his boxers. (**2**)

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A/N; Oye. It's 2:05 AM. Damn, my neck hurts! There ya go, chapter two! Next ones coming. And it might be the last. I don't know. 0.0

**1 **Whenever I get around to writing 'Let the sun fall down' ya will find out how that comes to be! Heeheehee

**2 **(drools) AAA! Stop those bad thoughts Carolyn!


	3. The Sugar High Heroes

**Are They On Crack: The Fullmetal Alchemist File**

**Chapter Three, **

**The Sugar High Hero's!**

Me: MUHAHAHAH! We have returned! WITH MORE OF THAT CRACK INDUCED INSANITY YOU ALL CRAVE!

Clap: OO For once, _she's_ the uber sugar high one…

Me: YEAH! DONUTS, FUNDIP, COOKIES, AND MOUTAIN DEW! REVEIWER SHOUT OUT TIME!

**SnowWhitePhoenix**COOKIE! munch munch : ) Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it!

**Sheniqua the Emo**head/keyboard &0320i4n kjjuvu9emvy7 79

You are a genius! XD That's definitely gonna happen now!

**Save The Planet, People: **OO Don't hurt your self now. HAIL THE HOT DOG! Nazi salute (it's a joke…) XD

**9-Volt Alchemist**Here's more! Hee hee hee, bad thoughts…… X3

**Dragon-rose-vine** You're just as bad as me and you know it. Wow, you're right! Paju13 has been scared away! :( First review ever, and it's a fracking FLAME! AGGGGGGGG!

**DarkFairyWarrior**Don't die! If you die, you can't read this chappy!

**Chibigirls**Well, the great Hot Dog is special. Like Ed. XD Special Ed! But no one caught that I spelled bean as been… The bikini/underwear thing is from Jam Camp as well. I ran around in a mask, blanket cape, and bikini for three days…… then I got Dragon-rose-vine to run around with me at my birthday. In bathing suits and towel capes. Meh.

**Miss DarkRose**Muhahahah…… AND HERE'S SOME MORE!

**EverD: **Yes. We know. Yes, **_WE_** know.

**some randome reviewer: **Maybe… Maybe not. :3 I evil like that.

**Peeps that I didn't mention, cuz I haven't looked at the reviews in a while: **Danke! (That's thank you in German, you unschooled peoples)

LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!

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"_**EDWARD?" **_

"Wha? Who's that?"

The room went silent at this statement, and the crickets began to chirp. The one formally known as Edo blinked.

"I'm serious. Who's that?"

"It's seems that Fullmetal has finally lost his mind." Mustang nodded thoughtfully, and Hawkeye sighed.

"And like the lot of you _haven't?_"

"I am the Stoned Freak, with my sidekick, Bean Boy! TREMBLE BEFORE OUR STRENGTH!" The Stoned Freak waved her arms mystically. "Hey! You're not trembling before our strength!"

"NO! YOU SHALL ALL FEAR THE ALLMIGHTY HOT DOG!" Clap screamed and held the food item on high. This resulted in the cult uprising of the entire office.

"OBEY THE HOT DOG! (And it's Advisor.)"

"BUAHAHAHA!" The Stoned Freak laughed. "That my friend is a moldy piece of meat- AAAAAAAAGGGGGG!"

She and Bean Boy where soon taken hostage by the Cult of The Almighty Hot Dog, and forced to under go the initiation ceremony…

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"That's it? That's all we have to do?"

"Yep. And swear allegiance to the Almighty Holy most Awesomeist Hot Dog."

The Freak leaned back to talk to her partner. "Good with you Bean?"

"Sure, why not."

"ALL RIGHT, THEN WE ACCEPT YOUR TERMS MORTAL!" She cackled.

Hughes promptly pulled out two pictures of Elisia and taped them to both the Stoned Freak's and Bean Boy's heads.

"We swear our loyalty to the Great and Powerful Hot Dog!" they chorused.

"Well, that's good enough for me!" Clap bounced over and untied their hostages. "Your free to go! SPREAD THE WORD OF THE GREAT HOT DOG!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAASHAAAAAAAA!"

And with that, the odd pair jumped out thru the window that was next to the other one's that they had broken previously, and they broke it, falling to the cement below.

"OWWW! WHY DID I LAND ON THIS PIECE OF METAL ATTACHED TO ME? Oh wait, it's attached…"

"I'M OKAY! AGGGGGGGGGGG! Owww, I lie………"

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Meanwhile, Panda was still running rampant thru out Central, spreading her love and joy to innocent bystanders…

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"I've got it!"

"What?" the people in the office blinked.

"Well, I consulted the Holy Hot Dog, and it told me we should all become SWIMSUIT MODELS!" Again Clap raised it high above her head.

"…………But we're GUYS."

"So? Women like to look too!" Ah, Clap's awesome, fangirl friendly logic that gave the authoress a nosebleed. Ahem. Yes. Back to the story…

"I could get a girlfriend!" Havoc cheered. "HAIL HOT DOG!"

"TO THE BEACH!"

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Back here on good ole Earth, the rest of the Sugar High Heroes where preparing to embark to Shambala.

"Okay everyone!" Rehab Girl held up a bright, glowing blue ball. "We are all gonna touch this…uh, blue orby thingie and go to the realm of Alchemy!"

She looked around.

"Is everyone here? Hey Kitty, read off the list again!"

Kitty Freak, brother to The Stoned Freak, began to read off a list of names.

"Lamp Shade Man?"

"HI!"

"…Weed Boy?"

"HERE!"

"…Super Cleao?"

"SUPER CLEAO IS HEEEEERE!"

"…Kitty Freak? Oh wait, that's me… Rehab Girl?"

"I'm standing right next to you."

"……………Oh."

Rehab girl shook her head. "Oh well, off we go! Touch the blue orby thingamabob!"

The Sugar High Heroes touched the ball and a blue gate sucked them in to Shambala.

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Riiiiiight, back in Shambala, at the beach!

All right all you fans out there, here it is, the grand finally…

THE ENTIRE MILITARY PERSONAL IN SWIMSUITS!

Yeah! W00T! Squee!

Okay, back to where we were…

"…"

"…"

"I'm making a sand temple for the Almighty Hot Dog!" Clap exclaimed happily, creating in fact just that, clad only in a bikini.

Hey, I didn't for get about you guys out there! 8D

Now, wait for it… wait for it…

With a "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHAAAAAAAAAAA!" and a crash, the rest of the Sugar High Heroes entered the dimension!

"Haha! We have a…" Rehab Girl trailed off at the notice of her most favorite FMA carrie…

Mustang.

"SQUEEEEEEEE! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!" She ran and uber glomplilated said bishie.

"AGGGG! I'm being attacked!"

And the team just stood there and blinked stupidly.

"We have ah? What does that mean?"

"I dunno. Lets go find some one to torture, like cousin dearest." Super Cleao grinned evilly and went her way.

Well, eventually every one came to their senses. What a bummer… And this is where this part of my tail ends!

The Sugar High Heroes meet back up with their commander, The Stoned Freak, and together decided to wreak havoc upon the many anime universes with the highly concentrated sugar that looks like crack.

Sorry! It's not crack! I wouldn't want people getting addicted, would I?

Next stop on the list…

CYBORG 009! MUHAHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHA! Caugh, hack Gasp I good now. It's true, I'm migrating to my first anime love. Sorry peeps! ;; 

Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! Except for that first one. Bleah. And thank you all for waiting so paicently for this VERY delayed chapter! Damn, I actually have a life… Wow.

See ya all around, and may Martel and the Gate be with you!

Clap-For-Carolyn


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